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Chapter Eighteen – Crikey! World’s Deadliest Llamas Welcome back folks, I’m your llama, Kevin Llamason, and thanks for joining me on another episode of “All the Animals That Have Tried to Kill Me”. If you tuned in last week, you might remember that I only just managed to survive a close encounter with a mildly irate Madagascan pygmy elephant, and had it not been for my quick wits and superior liability insurance, this week’s show might not have been possible. In regards to last week, just for the sake of clarity, I’d like to say for the record that it is a perfectly acceptable social convention to wa

Chapter Seventeen – One Round of X-treme Llamas Within the cutthroat, bare knuckle, spontaneous de-pantsing world of UMX, there is one llama who needs no introduction. Jeremy, from Camelid Fitness, met up with Kevin to ask the hard hitting, no holds barred, take no prisoners, go for the guts questions that every diehard, basement dwelling, hardcore, passive aggressive stalking, fanatical part-time enthusiast demands answers to. We have the overly graphic and often deeply disturbing hate mail to prove it. --- Kevin, nice weather, don’t you think? Of course I think. What kind of question is that? Are you implying that I don̵

Chapter Sixteen – Llama Overboard The foremost llama in arctic survival, Kevin Llamason, was in the middle of tracking a six foot, one legged Asian panda in a yeti costume, across the frigid tundra of the Gobi desert, when he was struck by a flying fish popsicle. While considering the ramifications of said popsicle, he was struck once again, only this time by an idea. It was a fairly complicated and a somewhat intricate idea that involved complex arithmetical calculations, careful contemplation of a dozen higher powers and several higher degrees in physics, animal husbandry and country style French cuisine, all of which he did not have

Chapter 15 – Llamas in Law and Order: SUV The story you are about to hear isn’t true. The names haven’t been changed to protect the innocent, because everyone is guilty of something. This is the city. It’s filled with cars. Some of those cars are SUVs. Sometimes those SUVs go bad. That’s where I come in. I’m a llama. And a cop. I work with a special division within the 13th Precinct, investigating Sports Utility Vehicle related crime. My partner’s name is Jeremy Sanders. My name is Wednesday, I mean Llamason. Kevin Llamason. It was a blistering winter’s day, which was odd, but I don’t in

Chapter Fourteen – Which llama you gonna call? Beneath the calm, almost mind numbing exterior of modern society exists a hidden world of crime, violence and melty cheese sauce, and beneath that fermented dairy veneer is yet another world of cupcakes, sparkles and unicorns that fart rainbows, but it’s beneath this innocent, sugar coated candy land that our heroes dare to wander. In that unseen realm of the bizarre and unexplained. In the space between the living and the dead, but if you reach the land of the undead, you’ve gone too far. It’s kind of undead adjacent. Zombies sometimes visit, but we’re talking vood

Chapter Thirteen - The Invasion of the Regular-Sized, Somewhat Green, Martian Llamas They came from beyond the stars. Well, actually they came from a smallish red planet called Gorlanaxicopia Three, otherwise known as Mars to us Earthlings, but due to a navigation 404 error, perpetrated by Ensign F Class, designation – Gavin, they were forced to detour around three separate galaxies. So from our point of view it would have looked like they came from beyond the stars, but in reality it was more like your next door neighbour popping round to borrow some milk or soy based equivalent. Not that it mattered, 1 light-year or several hundred mi

Chapter Twelve - March of the Llamas (Narrated by Dave Indahood)From the technicolor voles of Eastern Uganda to the obsessive compulsive sloths of the far northern tropics, in all the animal kingdom, there is no creature more graceful, or more utterly entrancing than the noble and dignified llama. “BURP!” Seen here in its natural environment of Insert Clever Name, New Jersey, this fine specimen of its species attempts to battle impossible odds, as it struggles to survive in this cutthroat urban wilderness known as suburbia. Surrounded by cutting edge technology, the best in modern medical insurance, and a neighborhood of caring

Chapter Eleven – QNA with Kevin As millions of Kevin’s lobotomized fans write in each week, it’s been decided that it’s my duty as his official biographer to dictate some replies for him. I didn’t decide this, but apparently I don’t get a say in the matter. Typical. Anyway, here are a few of the more entertaining contributions. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Kevin,I was recently eaten by a grue and it proved to be a very unsettling experience for the poor chap. I thought I’d bring some wine the next time I ventured into the darknes

Chapter Ten - Llama on the High-heeled Seas In the entire course of civilized society the terms “llama” and “pirate” have rarely if ever shared the same sentence, but Kevin wasn’t about to let something like literary history stand in his way of making a name amongst the great beards of swashbuckling. Blackbeard, Yellowbeard, Curly Purplebeard the Terrible Smelling, Forkbeard the Spoon Thief, the enigmatic Beardless Steve, and of course, Greybeard the Paranoid. Who was actually so named not for having a grey beard, it was reported to be a delightful shade of puce, but rather it pertains to his uncharacteristically

Chapter Nine – The Plight of an 8-bit Text-based Llama On a desolate and abandoned country road, a llama slumbers gracelessly, his face in the dirt and his ass in the air. His name tag says “Kevin”. Status Effect on Kevin: Hung-over. >Drools. Kevin casts Drool.  Success. (Kevin gains –1 Dignity) He awakens, barely. I mean I think he’s awake. There’s not much movement but his eyes are open. Hold on, is he still breathing? >Get up. Get up fails epically. (Kevin gains –2 Dignity. Dignity is dangerously low) >Get up, slowly. Kevin staggers to his feet and casts about disoriented and confuse