The Kevin Chronicles - 003

Chapter 3 - Llama of a Thousand Burning Hooves

Every person has at least one course altering, struck from above, put you on your ass, monumentally significant, destiny defining moment in their lives. Kevin has had three. The first, at the age of 2½, was when he faced the crushing inevitability of his own fragile mortality after watching an episode of Senior Citizens Gone Wild. The second, just 3 days later, took the form of a grand romance in which he met, courted and made a lifelong commitment, to an expired can of tuna. And the third, and perhaps the most significant, was when he discovered that everyone was Kung Fu fighting.

Upon discovering this earth shattering news, Kevin did what any rational person would do, he decided to become the greatest martial artist that ever lived. And he only had a week to do it. The competition to decide the title for Ultimate Master of Punching, Kicking and All Things Kung Fu Related would take place on Saturday, and it wouldn’t be held again for another 30 days. Kevin couldn’t afford to waste any time.

Plus this would be the perfect opportunity for him to finally defeat his lifelong rival, Jeremy, in unarmed combat. And how he longed for that day. Ever since he was a young llama, Kevin had always been taunted and teased by Jeremy. Whenever Kevin would utterly crush Jeremy, whether it was in tennis, basketball, spelling, track, Mathletes, debating, arm wrestling, backgammon, archery, swimming, poetry slams, farting, listing things, and the board game Life, Kevin always had to endure the humiliating jibes. “You win.” “Congratulations.” “Your job is better.” “Your wife is prettier.” “Your house is amazing.” "I wish you'd fathered my kids." The abuse never stopped. But this time it would be different. This time Kevin would settle the score, once and for all, in Mortal Kombat! *SFX: doo, doo, doo, doo-do, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo-do*

First things first, Kevin needed a Master. So after many gruelling days of wandering the ancient mystical trails of the Yellow Pages, seeking out the perfect teacher under which he could turn his body into a lethal weapon, Kevin finally found him, under “Master for Hire”. His name was Mr Meyogi and was a simple man, with simple tastes. After many years as a professional crash test dummy and part-time taste tester for a major fast food company, Mr Meyogi had all but lost his ability to taste anything and his cognitive responses had taken similar deficits, but despite these limitations, he still subjected Kevin to a strict training regime.

Under the watchful eye of Mr Meyogi, Kevin trained like no one had trained before. Literally, no one had ever trained like this before. Kevin had to wax 3 cars; sand, varnish and polish a 16 storey apartment building; repaint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in Little Italy; file Mr Meyogi’s tax return, claiming 3 dependents he didn’t actually have; lie to an IRS auditor; provide an alibi for 2 suspicious deaths; and move the contents of his Master’s 3 bedroom houseboat three inches to the left, all while humming “Eye of the Tiger” backwards on a continuous loop. But it was all worth it.

As the day of the competition approached, Mr Meyogi took Kevin aside.

“Long have you labored, Kevin-san. But at last you are ready,” said Mr Meyogi.

“Truly Master?” asked Kevin.

“Indeed. I have nothing left to teach you.”

“Thank you, Master. With your teachings, I know I will win at the tournament,” said Kevin.

“What tournament?” asked Mr Meyogi.

“The Kung Fu Tournament. With your unorthodox Kung Fu training, I cannot lose,” said Kevin.

“Are you daft, Kevin-san? What Kung Fu training? I don’t know Kung Fu. What are you talking about?” demanded Mr Meyogi.

“Of course you do, Master. Surely, all the jobs you have given me were just pretext to train my body to move and react instinctively. I bet with the skills I have gained, I could even defeat the Legendary Chuck Norris.”

“That wasn’t Kung Fu training. That was subcontracting. If I had three more like you, I could retire,” said Mr Meyogi.

“B-but, but-” stammered Kevin.

“And Chuck Norris? Forget about it. If Chuck Norris so much thought about sneezing in your general direction, the force alone would kill you where you stood. Along with every person in a three block radius around you.”

“But you said you had nothing left to teach me,” said Kevin.

“That’s because your last check bounced. Your time is up. Get out, freeloader!”

And so Kevin left, sorely dejected at all the time he had wasted. After spending almost 3 hours under Mr Meyogi’s apparent tutelage Kevin was no closer to achieving his Kung Fu goals. But he refused to admit defeat. Faced with the almost overwhelming task of becoming a Kung Fu legend before the tournament on Saturday Kevin knew that there was only one option left. He had to travel to the ancient birthplace of the noble warrior, New Jersey.

So after a boring bus ride, a tedious train commute, and truly dull donkey trek, Kevin finally arrived at the spiritual epicenter of Kung Fu, The Deli Llama’s Dumpling Den in Chinatown. It was here that Kevin would discover the secret techniques of the epic Grand Masters of Kung Fu. It was here that Kevin would train his mind, body and spirit to preform feats unreached by any man or beast before him. It was here that Kevin would finally unlock the key that opened a lock that was locked by another key that he had already acquired, and would unleash an awesome power from deep inside, that none could withstand. Or at least this was the place all that would have happened, if it hadn’t been closed…until Monday.