The Kevin Chronicles - 006

Chapter Six - The Llama That Wore a Blazing Saddle

With the Civil Servants War over, the railroad wandering ponderously across the country and the national murder rate into quadruple figures, Kevin Llamason sat surrounded by his sizeably amassed wealth of limited edition gold plated dentures. Kevin’s pharmaceutical company had completely revolutionized the medical profession. Built upon the sturdy backs and crushed dreams of immigrant children, Kevin’s Miraculous Cure-all Miracle Elixir of Miracles was the gold standard in affordable charlatan medicine, second only to actual snake oil. And as one of the most successful businessmen in Manhattan, no man could ask for more. But Kevin was a llama, so ask for more he did.

Already well into his declining years, and staring the down the barrel of the big 2-0, Kevin wanted more than just a sweet pad and endless parties. He wanted adventure, he wanted the wild open plains of the American West, and he really wanted to shoot somebody. He didn’t care who. He didn’t have a particular person in mind. It was more a general sense of random violence that only a casual attitude towards firearms, liquor and the law could provide an outlet for. So Kevin packed a bag, donated his four figure business to a homeless vagabond named Rockafellow, and struck out West, hoping to make his fortune on the wild frontier.

Kevin’s first stop was the train station. Using a quarter he liberated from bunch of truant schoolchildren, he purchased a ticket and took his seat upon the great Iron Horse. A marvel of man’s ingenuity and boundless ambition, the massive railroad expansion promised a bright future for the country, and riding it was not only a convenient and time saving means of transportation but an adventure all by itself. It took Kevin a whole four feet before it reached the end of the line. “Worth every penny,” said Kevin, as he disembarked from the train. “Guess I’m walking from here. It’s not like it’s that far anyway. A couple of days, a week at most, and I’ll start my new life in the West,” declared Kevin, as if someone somewhere was writing down everything he said and did for the amusement of others.

So once again he set off, unperturbed or rather obliviously unaware of the sheer distance the journey before him. This sad prospect was only compounded by the fact that after a month of walking, he still hadn’t managed to clear the outskirts of the city. Admittedly part of the reason was that whenever he reached water he assumed he’d gone the wrong way and had to turn around. The other being that Manhattan was an island. When he figured that out, progress went much quicker.

Once outside the city he joined a wagon train full of friendly traveling morons headed for Utah, and then joined a second wagon train after the first one died of dysentery. Five more wagon trains went the way of the first, and Kevin started to wonder if his overly lax hygiene might be a contributing factor. When the eighth wagon train was wiped out by the same affliction, Kevin figured it might be better if he inflicted his presence on less wholesome, hardworking companions, just for the sake of karma, and joined a band of wandering trappers. But while the beans were plentiful and the evening gas jamboree was entertaining and even a little musical, Kevin’s stay with them was cut short when he caught one of the more desperate members trying to scalp him in the middle of the night. In hindsight, a llama traveling with a group of down on their luck trappers might not have been the best idea.

It took him almost 3 months to lose them, but eventually he made it across the mighty Mississippi and finally set foot in the West. Unfortunately Washington’s national football team was waiting for him on the other side. Apparently the quarterback had suffered some mild disfiguring and an unfortunate case of sporadic incontinence from a bad batch of Kevin’s Miracle Elixir and the team felt as though some payback was in order. Kevin tried to explain that his Elixir, despite its name, couldn’t actually cure “that kind of problem”, and was actually a little surprised that it hadn’t fallen off entirely, but they refused to listen to reason. Thankfully, before any harm could befall him, a posse of wild natives popped from the sparse vegetation and defeated the football team in an impromptu game of hide the tomahawk.

Impressed by his luxuriously shaggy coat, another benefit of Kevin’s self-named miracle wonder drug, and his unusual city man appearance, the natives spared Kevin and offered him a place among the tribe. But as tempting as the offer was, which included a sturdy tent, a reliable goat and a buy one get one free wife, he knew his destiny lay further west. Out there among the depressingly isolated townships, violent cutthroat gangs of murderous outlaws and spirit crushing poverty and starvation, he would find his bright future. And he would set off on that journey with a new name, a parting gift from his new friends. From that day forth he would be known as Face Like a Horse’s Ass. Actually, I think I’ll keep that one to myself, thought Kevin, as he rode into the sunset. I’ll admit that horse’s pet mule was quite attractive, but I don’t think people are going to understand the reference without a long explanation.  

Now that he was finally in the West, Kevin decided that he really should start taking advantage of the opportunities the Frontier had to offer. With that in mind, he took up poker. In the space of a single afternoon he amassed a small fortune, won a saloon, took up pimping, lost the saloon and all his showgirls, developed a dependency on old boot hooch, lost all his money, won back half a showgirl, got caught cheating, apologized, and then as all was forgiven he was shot and left for dead in the street over an entirely unrelated matter. Thankfully the wound wasn’t serious, nothing a bottle of whiskey couldn’t cure, but as he lay bleeding in the dirt, Kevin decided that gambling just wasn’t for him. Not that he hadn’t enjoyed his time at the table, it just didn’t have the same high stakes that had drawn him to the West in the first place. Plus, he’d been in the West almost 3 hours, and he hadn’t shot anyone. That was unacceptable. So with an itching trigger hoof and random murder in his heart, Kevin decided it was time to pursue his dream of becoming a crack shot, outlaw gunslinger.

There was just one thing holding him back. After travelling all the way from New York, fighting trappers, professional football players and the harsh environs of the American wilderness, Kevin had to face a very sobering reality. Kevin suffered from a rare condition known as Yellowbelly, the primary symptom of which was an uncontrollable tendency to play dead at the sound of gunfire.

Finally got this one done. And to be honest, I really did not like the first draft of this at all. I think as my writing has evolved, the style has improved, but the absurd humor decreased a little, and that really bugged me. But not to despair. I have done a lot of examination and I think I have found a bit of a happy middle, at least for me. Hopefully you guys enjoy it and still think it's funny enough.

As for TKC in general, this will be the last one posted to the journal. I conducted a poll over the week and it seems like most people think that lit deviations are the way to go, and I tend to agree. This way I can post to groups, collect them all in one folder instead of making everyone search through the journal to find new chapters, and there is a better chance of watchers getting new chapters in their notifications. So starting tomorrow, I will repost the previous chapter as separate deviations. Fav them if you want, but don't feel obliged to. Keep in mind the fav reply isn't going to be any different to the journal post ones. I'll probably do one a day, just so I don't spam everyone on Monday.

Also, I not posting a daily sketch today, sorry about that, or possibly any day that a new chapter comes out. It's a bit hard to get everything done all in one day, but I guess I'll just have to see how it goes. Anyway, that's about it. I hope you enjoy this week's chapter. And I look forward to reading you comments. 

Previous Chapters
Chapter 1 - The Kevin Chronicles - 001
Chapter 2 - The Kevin Chronicles - 002
Chapter 3 - The Kevin Chronicles - 003  
Chapter 4 - The Kevin Chronicles - 004
Chapter 5 - The Kevin Chronicles - 005