The Kevin Chronicles - Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen - The Invasion of the Regular-Sized, Somewhat Green, Martian Llamas

They came from beyond the stars. Well, actually they came from a smallish red planet called Gorlanaxicopia Three, otherwise known as Mars to us Earthlings, but due to a navigation 404 error, perpetrated by Ensign F Class, designation – Gavin, they were forced to detour around three separate galaxies. So from our point of view it would have looked like they came from beyond the stars, but in reality it was more like your next door neighbour popping round to borrow some milk or soy based equivalent. Not that it mattered, 1 light-year or several hundred million, it all looks like Martian Invasion to us. It just so happened that in this particular instance, that’s exactly what it was.

You wouldn’t think a single midsize Gorlanaxicopian Barbara Class vessel would be enough to constitute an invasion, but as we all know, a Barbara of any description is capable of extinction level destructive power. It’s just one of the universal truths of the galaxy. This Barbara was no different, well except that it was named Vincent. H.I.M.F.C.M.M.S.P.I.F. Vincent, to be precise. The flagship of His Imperial Majesty’s Fourth Cousin by Marriage’s Marginal but Still Pretty Intimidating Fleet. And by flagship, I mean his only vessel, but still, more than enough to wipe out the entire human civilization in exactly 3.754 minutes. A truly terrifying weapon that takes centuries to charge, is fuelled by the innocence of an honest politician, and was all prepared to fire, or it would have been if not for Ensign Gavin once again.

So basically, planet earth was in a lot of trouble, or it would be in a few hundred years, and mankind needed a plan on how to deal with the looming threat of worldwide destruction. There was only one individual they could rely on in such a crisis, only one man who had the daring, determination and dashing good looks necessary to save the human race from complete extinction. Unfortunately, he was on the John when the world governments called, and due to the obvious time constraints they were forced to go with the next best option, a talking llama named Kevin. Kind of an eggs all in one basket with the first guy, if you ask me.

Kevin wasn’t particularly qualified to deal with an alien incursion, certainly no more so than any other llama would be, but since the world leaders asked so nicely, he figured that even though saving planet earth wasn’t quite as important as his grill cheese sandwich he might as well give it a try. What’s the worst that could happen? Kevin thought, and immediately got to work on solving the ever mounting threat to humanity, birdkind, the Reptilian, Rodents United and the vast Conglomeration of the Insect Initiative.

He tried everything. He tried sitting, standing, walking around, he even attempted to balance on his head, which for a llama is a mightily impressive feat, but whatever he tried, there was just no way he could get comfortable. How could he be expected to save the world without achieving the peak comfort to anxiety ratio necessary for creative problem solving? So, using the combined resources of the world’s most wealthy countries, Kevin embarked on a ludicrously extensive research and development program whose primary function was to establish the ideal working environment necessary for the formulation of a preliminary game plan on how best to tackle the problem of preventing worldwide extermination in the next two to three hundred years, or Project Procrastination, as it was more commonly referred to.

It took 5 years, required the invention of three entirely new fields of scientific research, and cost upwards of 7 trillion pesos but everyone involved considered it an unequivocal success. Kevin was finally comfortable. As it turned out, Jeremy had just been messing with his chair settings. But regardless, Kevin was ready. He could now concentrate on the larger problem. The eventual extermination of mankind. And he would get right on that, right after punishing Jeremy.